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General · 22nd May 2013
Red Couch Report Van Observer
From The Gumboot: Thank you, Red Couch Person and the Vancouver Observer, for taking pen to paper and letting it fly!
Earlier this year, I suggested that we need a World Cup of Stupidity. Shortly thereafter, the new twenty-dollar bills came out and Canada was off to an early lead. Since then, the race has tightened. Republicans and other NRA cronies have mounted a push from the South. The Iranian president said he wanted to be launched into space. Gangnam Style happened.

Friends, the stupidity race is on.

And just as Canadian hopes begin to fade, along comes Senator Mike Duffy. Duffy’s erroneous residency claims are well-documented, so I won’t rehash them here. If you need a refresher, just open a window and the sounds of Canadians tearing their hair out should tell all the story you need to know.

Basically, Duffy made false claims, got compensated for those claims to the tune of $90,000, got caught, and had to repay the money. Of course he didn’t give up his job. Apparently we don’t do that.

Now, the problem is that he didn’t have the ninety grand. And that’s where it gets stupid.

Rather than Duffy take out a loan, Prime Minister Harper’s now former chief of staff, Nigel Wright, just cut him a personal cheque. Not only did this make Duffy the best-paid garden gnome in Ottawa, it also raised the most obvious conflict of interest since, well, whatever the last thing was that Nigel Wright did. Of course, the PMO defends Wright, saying that it was just one friend helping out another. No public money was involved so what’s the problem?

The problem is that’s exactly who you’re not allowed to help: your friends.

Now we hear that Duffy also claimed expenses, as a Senator, while he was campaigning for the Conservatives during the last election. So there’s that misappropriated public money we weren’t already mad about. And this is coming from a government which campaigned on two main points: 1) economic responsibility and 2) law and order. So that’s a fail fail.

And didn’t Reform Harper want to abolish the Senate? Funny how Conservative Harper is more interested in purchasing it. But I digress.

Between Duffy's shenanigans, and eventual harumphing his way out of the Conservative caucus, to similarly brazen and arrogant behaviour from Senators Wallin, Harb, and Brazeau, the Canadian Senate is "working" hard to establish Canada as a world leader in idiocy.

We, as a nation, need to recognize the tireless efforts by our federal government to dominate world stupidity. Let’s be honest. Other than winter team sports, we’re not good at very much as a nation. We’re not great spies, we're not super rich, and we’re not the fattest. Hey, we’re not even as fat as Australia. Think about that.

I mean, is it just me or does every interesting thing we do end up on our money? Want a history lesson? Here’s 25 bucks and a pocketful of quarters. Read up.

So that’s why I think that we need to commemorate Duffy-gate in a properly Canadian fashion. Simply take the Loonie and swap out the bird for a picture of the Red Chamber. Then, whenever your American friends ask “You call this a Loonie? But where’s the Loon,” you can reply “Actually, that’s all of them.”